Small Town England by Tim Bradford

Author:Tim Bradford
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781407031460
Publisher: Ebury Publishing

But not at afternoon break. I told Maggie I had to hang out with my mates and play football. Actually, I didn’t tell her that; I just presumed she would know, telepathically. The next week we met up intermittently for arm-in-arm walks, but we didn’t try too much French kissing. My diary for that week appears to have been written by a manic depressive who’s in solitary confinement rather than a fifteen-year-old boy with a girlfriend. I hate school. It’s horrible. I don’t want to go there.

By Friday 8th Feb it must have been all over, because there is a reference to the School Girls’ Union not being happy with me. I expect this was the first experience I had of trying to end a relationship, which I did rather ungallantly by utterly ignoring the poor girl until she got the message.

So that was that for a while, though I began to realise that I liked athletic girls. Some time after that, I rolled around on the floor at a party for twenty minutes or so with a keen fan club member, the tall blonde Jill Hopcraft (who was built like a 400m runner), showing off my new French kissing technique, whilst manfully pretending to be asleep. When quizzed about it by Bandy afterwards, I claimed ‘It must have been my subconscious’. Jill looked at me a bit funnily for a few days afterwards, but she, too, soon got the message. Keen to show Bandy that I hadn’t turned into a total girl-loving jessie, the next time we went to a party I took along an old bottle of laxatives I’d found in a cupboard at home and we made some baked beans for everyone.

‘That was so kind!’ said Guinevere O’Reilly, whose birthday party it was.

‘Ha, any time.’ ‘But why are you leaving so early?’ As we pedalled furiously back to Market Rasen, I reckoned I felt more comfortable as a somnambulist seducer than I did as a bowel-moving prankster.

Then, at the start of the summer, I decided that I fancied quiet Gwen Cobner, mainly because I’d seen her doing the 200m race in an athletics match and thought she had nice legs. This time I got Cozy to ask her out for me. But I couldn’t get as far with Gwen as I had with Maggie. Even an English kiss seemed out of the question. We just walked around and made small talk and I felt terribly self-conscious. After a couple of days I was single again. Just in time for the holidays. Phew.

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